Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
