I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
