I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
