She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
