update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
