on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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