the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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