it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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