Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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