i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
How does it feel to date your dad?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
