The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
