I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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