my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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