Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I was not drunk enough for that final.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
