yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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