If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
