Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
