Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Small penises have feelings too.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
