I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
