i can't believe i had my finger in that
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
