watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
