if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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