Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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