So drunk, too bad you don't want this
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
