dude i'm inner monologue high
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
