I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
