I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
