Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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