i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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