3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Randomize
