why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
