god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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