I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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