he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
