I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
