mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
