he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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