plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
