He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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