so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
