there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
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