I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
