i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
