u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
