that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
