Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
