I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
