i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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