i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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