so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
